I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize