i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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