so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
