upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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