The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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