I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
