Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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