So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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