I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
