seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
