We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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