We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When are your genitals available?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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