somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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