i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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