Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize