distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
