If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Text me some of your sweat
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