"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
