apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
