hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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