WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
