Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize