Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
