I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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