I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
