using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
