you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
