so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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