New low: just hacked my moms facebook
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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