I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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