dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
