were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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