Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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