I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
