my phone needs a breathalizer
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
