she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
