"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
