Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize