Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Found your dick twin last night
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
