I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize