i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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