I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
