I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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