Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
