That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
