hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
