apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
ttyl tear gas
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
