If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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