Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
