If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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