I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
