she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
