he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
