They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
