some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
