how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
