im six kinds of drunk right now
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
