At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You can't special order awesome
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He better not be in your backpack
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
