Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize