woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
