omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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