Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize