i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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