he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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