dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
