my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
