hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize