You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
