dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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