Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
